Cops at Heart: Love and Struggles in Law Enforcement Families
In the studio today are Michael McIntosh and Derek and Alicia Dummar.
Today we're diving into an area that we seldom address — the intersection between law enforcement and home life. We're joined by Derek and Alicia Dummar, a law enforcement couple who have not only weathered the storm of shift work, public scrutiny, and work-related stress but have come out stronger on the other side.
In this insightful discussion, they'll share their strategies and experiences, shining light on the importance of balance, preparedness, and intentional communication for those serving in law enforcement and their families.
The conversation delves into Derek's personal struggle to find the balance between his work and family life. He shares his "rock bottom" moment, which led him to rethink his priorities and develop a more intentional approach to his relationship and self-care. The couple shares their transformation journey, including the role of counseling, communication, and bringing Alisha along in Derek's law enforcement journey.
The Crucial Role of Spousal Support
Derek expresses deep gratitude for his wife's steadfast support throughout his transformation journey. alicia played a crucial role in his evolution, standing by him even when it would have been easier for her to walk away. They were high school sweethearts and were married before Derek's venture into law enforcement, which drastically changed his personality. This shift demanded an adaptive change in their communication pattern, making it one of the biggest challenges they faced.
As Derek transformed from the person he was before joining law enforcement to the person he became during his service, communication between him and alicia became critical. The change in his duties, working hours, and, consequently, his personality led them to reevaluate and adjust their communication. This adjustment proved challenging, particularly due to the difference in their working schedules, creating a situation where they were like two ships passing in the night.
The Impact of law enforcement on Family Life
The demands of Derek's law enforcement job significantly affected their family dynamics. His swing shifts often left his wife to take care of their children and manage the household alone, creating a challenging situation to navigate. However, Derek emphasizes that these challenges can be overcome.
Derek and his wife also have a role in educating new cadets on balancing their personal and professional lives. One of the key messages Derek conveys is that one's significant other should also be involved in the process of deciding how much they can handle emotionally. He encourages the cadets to involve their partners in their experiences rather than trying to protect them from the harsh realities of the job.
A Change in Perspective: From Individual Struggles to Teamwork
His wife appreciated the shift in the narrative as they moved from focusing on the individual struggles of the officer to considering the role of the family in supporting the officer. She emphasizes that it's not just about being understanding and flexible; it's also about spotting signs of unhealthy behaviors and addressing them.
Derek reveals one of his biggest regrets during his law enforcement career: not being there for his children due to work commitments. He encourages other officers to spend quality time with their children whenever they can, even if they're tired or overwhelmed. He believes this will help to alleviate some of the guilt that officers might carry for missing out on significant moments in their children's lives.
The Importance of Being Present
In conclusion, Derek and his wife underline the importance of communication and being present when one is present. They advocate for officers to be more intentional in their interactions with their families, to make sure they are not merely physically present but emotionally involved as well. This includes setting aside distractions, such as scrolling through their phones, to fully engage in the moment with their loved ones. They believe this will significantly improve the balance between their professional and personal lives.
The conversation touched upon the effect of their profession on their children, who grow up seeing their parents in potentially dangerous roles. The guests encourage more involvement of families in counseling to help children better understand their parents' roles.
They also discussed the importance of keeping certain work conversations away from young family members who may not fully understand. As law enforcement officers, they highlighted the need to balance their roles as protectors with the need to prepare their children for real-world realities.
Coping with Public Perception Shifts
Discussing the impact of the George Floyd incident and similar events, they touched upon the significant negative narratives about law enforcement and how this affected many officers. They stressed the importance of a supportive community within law enforcement to navigate these times.
They expressed optimism that the perception of law enforcement would again shift to a more positive light, despite recognizing the cyclical nature of public sentiment. Nonetheless, they affirm the nobility of the profession and their confidence in their colleagues' integrity.
To wrap up the podcast, the guests shared some simple yet key practices for managing their personal lives alongside their demanding careers. These include timely communication with family when delays occur, attentive listening to loved ones' concerns, and maintaining a positive outlook towards societal needs despite the challenges they face in law enforcement.
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